Alright so Virgo season’s rolling around again, and folks kept bugging me ’bout monthly predictions. Figured I’d write down how I actually put this crap together. No magic, just grind.
Step 1: Dustin’ Off Old Books (Literally)
First thing? Pulled my grandpa’s astrology books from the top shelf. Cover’s sticky, pages smell like attic. Don’t even remember the title, just some faded gold letters. Flipped straight to Virgo pages. Mostly generic stuff like “analytical” and “perfectionist.” Eyeballed the retrograde notes scribbled in pencil from last year.
Step 2: Wrestlin’ With Software That Hates Me
Grabbed my laptop, fired up that free astrology chart generator. Typed “current transits” with my coffee going cold. Plugin froze halfway. Cussed. Restarted. Jupiter’s sittin’ in Taurus messin’ with Virgo’s sixth house. Spent 20 minutes squinting at tiny aspect lines – conjunctions here, trines there. Saved a JPEG screenshot. Looked like spaghetti.
Step 3: The Notepad Jumble
Dumped everything messy onto a notepad file:
- Jupiter = growth? But Taurus = slow? Ugh.
- Mercury retro in Virgo itself = tech meltdowns lol
- Mars square Pluto = drama llamas at work
Crossed out half. Wrote “PROBABLY” in all caps. Not confident.
Step 4: Forcin’ It Into Advice
Tried turning planetary soup into actual tips:
- Told Virgos to “organize sock drawers” (sixth house vibes)
- Warned ’em ’bout impulsive buys (Taurus Jupiter)
- Added “back up data NOW” (Mercury retro)
Sounded preachy. Deleted exclamation points.
Step 5: Sugarcoatin’ The Bitter Pills
Read it over. Too blunt. Virgos would riot. Sprinkled fluff:
- Changed “fix your clutter disaster” to “refresh routines mindfully”
- Swapped “boss is stressin’ ya” with “redirect workplace friction”
Still felt fake. Shrugged and hit save.
Why This Mess?
Look. Planetary math ain’t my thing. And predictions? Total guesswork coated in stardust. Why even bother? ‘Cause last Virgo season, I told my sister “expect appliance breakdowns” when Mercury went rogue. Her fridge died mid-lasagna. Now she thinks I’m Gandalf. Truth? I tripped over her cat while reading an ephemeris and thought “yup, chaos week.” Sometimes crap just lines up. Mostly? We’re all just squinting at the same blurry sky.
