So I woke up this morning feeling kinda restless, you know? Figured I’d check my Virgo horoscope since Mercury’s doing that retrograde shuffle again. Grabbed my phone while gulping lukewarm coffee – my cheap-ass coffee maker finally kicked the bucket yesterday. Scrolled Instagram first like always, saw some meme about Virgos being control freaks (true) before spotting that “daily horoscope” ad.
How I Actually Did It
Smashed that ad like it owed me money. Website loaded slower than my grandma’s dial-up. First thing popped up: career predictions. Said “unexpected opportunities” might come knocking. Snorted into my coffee mug. Boss literally just cut overtime pay last week. Yeah, real “opportunity” there. Scrolled down further – love life section. Told me to “open my heart to new connections.” Bruh, I matched with some dude named Chad on Tinder last night whose entire bio was a flexing bicep emoji. Pass.
Decided to double-check another site because why not? Used my ancient tablet this time. Battery died at 15% – classic. Plugged it in, waited. This second site said:
- Career: “Collaboration is key! Teamwork brings success!” Meanwhile I’m drafting 14 passive-aggressive emails because Dave from accounting “forgot” my reimbursement AGAIN.
- Love: “Past relationships may resurface.” My ex texted me at 3 AM last week asking if he left a single sock at my place TWO YEARS AGO. Blocked that number faster than you can say “emotional vampire.”
What Happened After
Left both tabs open while I microwaved leftover pizza. Got sidetracked by my cat knocking over a plant. Came back an hour later – first site had crashed. Just a sad little error message. Second site was trying to sell me crystal healing necklaces “to amplify Virgo energy.” Closed everything. Felt like I wasted 20 minutes reading glorified fortune cookies.
Truth? My day was the same damn slog as always. Made spreadsheets. Avoided Dave. Fed the cat. Zero mysterious career offers. Zero soulmates knocking. Horoscope said it was a “4-star day for romance.” I’d give it half a star if the pizza hadn’t been slightly burnt. Still fun to laugh at the bullcrap though. Maybe I’ll check again tomorrow if Mercury’s still backwards. Or maybe I’ll just nap.
