So yesterday my buddy Chris was stressing about his Virgo girlfriend again. Third breakup threat this month… I’m like dude, instead of guessing her moods maybe look at your star signs? He’s a Capricorn, she’s Virgo – supposed to be a solid match right? I got curious and decided to dig deeper.
First, The Notebook Phase
Grabbed my coffee-stained astrology journal where I scribble stuff. Last year’s notes said Cap and Virgo usually vibe well but Saturn was messing things up. For 2024? Blank page. Ugh. Time to research.
Started flipping through apps:
- CosmicPatterns app: Said both earth signs so they “build foundations” – whatever that means
- ZodiacInsights: Showed a green “high compatibility” bar that moved like a Wi-Fi signal???
- Old astrology book from my shelf: Pages were stuck together with pizza grease (thanks 2021 me)
The Messy Cross-Checking
Saw SO much conflicting stuff! One site claimed Venus helps them in June, another said Mercury ruins July communication. Got frustrated. Spreadsheet time.
- Made columns for January to December like a nerd
- Compared 4 sources for each month
- Highlighted overlapping warnings in yellow
Looked at the chaotic rainbow spreadsheet… sighed. Took screenshots. Deleted apps in rage. Re-downloaded them 10 minutes later.
Real Talk Time
Checked actual planetary movements. Jupiter blessing relationship growth mid-August? Neat. But Saturn retrograde October to January? Oof. Anxiety time for both signs. Noted:
- Stress Period: Late 2024 when Saturn acts up
- Good Vibes Months: May for romance, August for teamwork
- Danger Zone: Mercury Retrograde messing texts in April & November
What Actually Matters Though?
Finished the forecast… then realized charts don’t fix fights. Wrote this at the bottom of my notes:
- Capricorns: Stop working weekends
- Virgos: Stop nagging about unfolded laundry
- Both: Just order takeout when planets clash
Told Chris: “Here’s your 2024 guide… but if she texts ‘we need to talk,’ run. Astrology can’t save you from that.”
Printed the spreadsheet. Stapled it to my wall next to last year’s failed keto diet chart. Patterns everywhere man.
