The Day I Decided to Solve My Best Friend’s Love Life with a Spreadsheet
You know, I never really put much stock in astrology. I mean, signs and stars? Come on. But my best buddy, Sarah—a textbook, organized, anxiety-ridden Virgo—she was absolutely melting down after her last breakup. She was dating purely based on “vibe,” and the vibe kept failing her. Every time. She’d bring home some chaotic free spirit, they’d last six months, and then she’d spend the next six cleaning up the mess and analyzing every interaction till 3 AM.
I finally snapped. I told her, “Look, if we treat this like a practical data problem instead of mystical mumbo-jumbo, maybe we can find a pattern.” That’s where this whole project started. I decided I was going to scientifically (well, ‘scientifically’ in the way I organize my garage, not like a real physicist) figure out who a Virgo should actually bother dating.
Phase 1: Gathering the Raw, Dirty Data
I grabbed a fresh spreadsheet—of course, it had to be color-coded. I labeled columns: Name, Virgo’s Sign (always V), Partner’s Sign, Relationship Length, and a Subjective Happiness Score (1-10). This wasn’t about textbook compatibility; this was about real-world survival.
I immediately went to work pulling together every Virgo I had ever known who was in a long-term relationship. I scoured my LinkedIn, my old high school reunion lists, even my mom’s bridge club roster. I had to be sneaky. I couldn’t just call up people and ask, “Hey, how miserable are you, and what’s your husband’s sign?”
So, I crafted a very casual, borderline manipulative series of texts. “Hey, saw your photo, congrats on the anniversary! Just curious, what month is Gary’s birthday? Trying to win a bar trivia bet.” People fell for it, mostly because people love talking about themselves and their spouse’s quirks.
- I collected data points from 45 couples who had been together five years or more.
- I spent two entire evenings stalking old Facebook profiles to verify birth dates.
- I assigned the subjective score based on my personal memory of their interaction—did they seem stressed? Did they complain about their partner a lot?
The first results were chaos. I saw successful Virgo/Gemini pairs, which the books say is a nightmare. I saw Virgo/Scorpio couples who were either soulmates or actively plotting murder. My spreadsheet was a mess, and I realized I needed more volume to smooth out the anomalies.
Phase 2: Scaling Up and Filtering the Nonsense
I pivoted my strategy. Real people are hard to track down, so I hit up the deep corners of the internet. I posted generalized polls in various large, anonymous forums and subs (not naming names, but you know the ones). I used leading questions: “Virgos, what sign is your current partner, and if you divorced, what sign was the ex?”
This generated thousands of responses, which was great for volume, but terrible for cleanliness. I spent the next week cleaning up the data: removing all the relationship lengths under two years (those are just flings, they don’t count for compatibility) and filtering out the entries that just said “Don’t know” or “Alien.”
The pattern started to emerge once I focused purely on the signs that Virgos consistently managed to stay married to or live with happily for 10+ years. I found myself throwing out the fire signs almost entirely—they were too much work for the fastidious Virgo. I tossed out the air signs too, mostly, because they drove Virgos crazy with their flakiness.
The earth signs, however? They just kept popping up.
Phase 3: The Verdict and the Practical Application
After all that digging and spreadsheet wrangling, I compiled the final rankings. It wasn’t about emotional fireworks; it was about functional, practical co-existence. A Virgo needs reliability and someone who understands that cleaning out the dryer lint trap is a form of foreplay.
The Clear Winners I Identified:
- Taurus: They are stable. They hate change. They love luxury, which a Virgo is happy to organize and maintain. My data showed the highest long-term happiness scores here.
- Capricorn: Hardworking, structured, and goal-oriented. They respect a Virgo’s dedication to quality. They don’t create drama. They were the most common sign in the 15+ year column.
- Cancer: A surprising high-scorer. They offer the deep emotional security and nurturing environment that calms the Virgo’s inner critic. They manage the home life while the Virgo manages the spreadsheets. A nice balance.
I sat down with Sarah and showed her the results. I walked her through the methodology—how I defined “happiness” and why I discarded the dramatic short relationships. She rolled her eyes at first, but when she saw the sheer amount of data I had pushed through, she had to admit I was onto something.
It wasn’t about destiny; it was about environmental fit. My research proved that Virgos don’t need excitement; they need infrastructure. They need someone who understands that being late isn’t just rude, it’s a structural failure in the day’s timeline. Since then, Sarah started dating a Taurus. It’s early days, but she hasn’t complained about him being messy or irresponsible once. That’s a win in my book, and proof that sometimes, even analyzing the stars requires just a solid spreadsheet and a whole lot of elbow grease.
