Why I Dug Up That Old Virgo Horoscope
So last Tuesday I was cleaning out this drawer full of ancient notebooks, right? Stumbled on my 2014 planner buried under expired coupons. And damn if it didn’t have “V’s Horoscope – DO THIS” scribbled all over the January page. Felt like finding an old recipe card in grandma’s handwriting. Figured why not relive it?
First thing I did? Grabbed my crappy laptop from 2014 still collecting dust. Booted it up – took like 15 minutes wheezing to life. Opened Chrome, which practically screamed at me to update. Ignored that, typed “virgo 2014 monthly horoscope” straight into Google. Found some astrology site that looked straight outta MySpace era. Purple glitter background. Times New Roman font. You get the vibe.
Clicked through each month like an archeologist:
- January section screamed at me to “ORGANIZE YOUR FINANCES NOW”. Dumb me actually tried. Made color-coded budget sheets that lasted exactly 3 days. By February they were coffee coasters.
- March prediction swore a “BIG CAREER BREAKTHROUGH” was coming. I wore my lucky socks for two weeks straight. Nothing happened except blisters.
- June’s advice? “AVOID RISKY TRAVEL”. Cancelled my weekend camping trip. Spent it rewatching Breaking Bad instead.
Most wild part? July claimed I’d “MEET A MYSTERIOUS STRANGER”. I did meet a dude named Gary at the laundromat who told me dryer #4 eats socks. Revolutionary stuff. Pretty sure he wasn’t the “cosmic soulmate” the stars promised.
By December I was skimming pages like “yeah whatever”. The “grand finale” prediction? “YOUR HARD WORK PAYS OFF!” Nah. Still had that pile of budget sheets gathering mold. Finished rereading it right as my laptop battery died with a sad beep.
Final verdict? Felt like reading a choose-your-own-adventure book where all paths led to folding laundry. Kinda fun seeing past-me desperately clinging to star-advice though. Pro tip: Don’t cancel camping trips for horoscopes. Dryers still eat socks regardless.
