So yesterday I dug into that Virgo February horoscope everyone’s been sharing. Figured why not test-drive those love and money tips myself? Grabbed my notebook and started scribbling down the advice point by point.
First Up: Money Manifestation Nonsense
The horoscope insisted I should “practice money meditation” before 10 AM. Rolled outta bed at 9:55, microwaved some leftover coffee, and plopped onto my yoga mat. Tried visualizing dollar bills like they said. Lasted maybe 90 seconds before my neighbor started drilling the wall. Just sat there pretending to hold imaginary cash while staring at a water stain on the ceiling.
What Actually Happened With Money Stuff:
- Did it rain money? Nah.
- Forgot to cancel that free trial subscription – got charged $14.99 right after my “meditation.”
- Found a crumpled $5 bill in my winter coat pocket though. Score?
Then Came the Love Advice Debacle
The stars claimed “Venus opens doors for casual encounters” last Tuesday. Made my socially awkward ass loiter near the community mailboxes for 40 minutes. Only “encounter” was Mrs. Henderson’s chihuahua trying to hump my ankle. Horoscope said wear green for luck – my faded Jurassic Park tee apparently didn’t count.
Love Strategy Fail Recap:
- Tried smiling at strangers in the grocery line. Got asked if I was the store’s new self-checkout attendant.
- Re-downloaded that dating app. Matched with my cousin’s ex. Deleted it before dinner.
- Burnt frozen pizza alone while rereading the horoscope’s promise of “romantic surprises.”
The Grand Conclusion Nobody Asked For
Followed that astro-guide like my life depended on it for a solid week. Results? Lost $14.99, gained questionable looks from neighbors, and confirmed my mail carrier thinks I’m casing the parcel lockers. Maybe next month I’ll just tape the horoscope to my cat’s scratching post. At least one of us will get some use out of it.
Oh! Final note – that “lucky investment tip” about cryptocurrency? My barista’s cousin’s boyfriend actually went bankrupt over it last Tuesday. Should’ve just stuck with finding crumpled cash in coat pockets.
