How I Tried That Virgo Career Thing Back in 2017
So I was scrolling the web while drinking cold coffee that Tuesday morning. Saw this “Career Horoscope for Virgo 2017” headline and went “eh why not?” The article claimed Virgos would find jobs through networking or some cosmic alignment nonsense. Figured it couldn’t hurt since my job hunt felt like throwing resumes into a black hole.
First thing I did was open my rusty LinkedIn account. Dusted off old connections like that college classmate who sold insurance now. Messaged five people with generic “hey long time how’s work?” texts. Felt awkward as hell pretending to care about Brad’s mortgage updates when I really wanted job leads.
Then I got weirdly specific like the horoscope suggested. Went to this local café wearing my only button-down shirt. Camped near a table of tech bros talking about cloud servers. Tried to force my way into their convo like “oh speaking of databases…” but just got side-eyed. Choked on my muffin when they packed up early.
After two weeks of zero results, I thought maybe physical paperwork would help – horoscopes love “practical” stuff right? Printed 30 resumes on fluorescent green paper because “it’ll stand out.” Handed them to every manager at the mall food court. Got two callbacks: one offering minimum wage fry-cook work, another saying my green paper jammed their printer.
Final attempt involved reorganizing my whole apartment for “Virgo productivity energy.” Alphabetized my spice rack, tied all cables with color-coded twist ties, even rearranged furniture facing Jupiter’s direction or whatever. Sat cross-legged on the floor hitting refresh on job boards. Still got ghosted by every application.
Looking back now:
- Job I eventually landed? Found it through my sister’s boyfriend who heard about an opening at his warehouse. Literally zero astrological involvement.
- LinkedIn Brad? Still spams me with crypto investment tips every Christmas.
- Green resumes? Used them to line my hamster’s cage last winter.
Biggest lesson? Horoscopes don’t pay bills. Made for some funny stories though when I tell people I once begged a Starbucks barista for career advice because Mercury was in retrograde.
