So last week I dug up my old Virgo 2015 horoscope for kicks, thinking maybe I’d find some forgotten wisdom. Grabbed a coffee, put on my “serious research” glasses, and dove right in. Figured I’d test-drive September’s tips since it was Virgo season then. Why not, right?
Career Stuff First
The horoscope screamed “Take initiative! Shine bright! Don’t wait!” Felt pumped. Next morning, I marched into my boss’s office. No appointment. Leaned on his desk like a cheesy motivational poster. “Sir, I believe Project Phoenix needs dynamic leadership ASAP. Put me in charge. I’ll crush it.“
Yeah… he just stared. Like I’d sprouted tentacles. “Bob, Project Phoenix got canceled two months ago. You wrote the memo.” Totally forgot. Crushed my own dignity instead. Spent the afternoon hiding at my desk pretending to organize paperclips.
Money Advice Disaster
Saw the part about “prudent investments” and “unexpected gains.” Okay, careful spending and… lottery tickets? The horoscope was vague! Decided I deserved a windfall. Calculated my “prudent investment”: $50 on scratch-offs. Walked to the corner store like a man on a mission.
- Bought 10 tickets.
- Scratched ’em in the parking lot.
- Won $6.
- Spent $4 extra on celebratory gummy bears.
Net loss: $48. Prudence achieved? Nah.
The Romance Catastrophe
This part promised “soulful connections” and “watch for subtle signs.” Went to my usual coffee spot. Barista slid my latte over with two sugars – just like always. My brain went: “Subtle sign!!!! Soulmates!!!!” Slammed my cup down. “How long? How long have you known we shared this connection?“
She blinked. “Dude. You literally always ask for two sugars.” Burst out laughing. I mumbled something about “energetic lattes” and power-walked out. Soulful? More like soul-crushingly awkward. Ordered delivery coffee for a week.
The Big Takeaway
Turns out, reading stars is easy. Living by them? Pure chaos. Spent the month looking like a confused, sugar-crazed office rambler. Zero career advancements. Lost $48. Scared off my favorite barista.
Sunday came. Found the horoscope crumpled under my couch. Looked at it. Then shoved it deep into the recycling bin like a toxic ex. Grabbed a beer instead. Life got instantly less ridiculous. Stars? Maybe stick to appreciating them at night, y’know? Just look up. Don’t live by ‘em.
