Why I Dug Up a 2015 Horoscope
Felt bored last Sunday scrolling through cloud backups, stumbled on my 2015 astrology folder. Remembered I’d saved that “free Virgo weekly horoscope” PDF back then. Thought – why not waste an afternoon testing if ancient star advice holds up?
Step One: Digging Up The Dusty File
Cracked open my old laptop – the one with sticky keys – hunting for that specific PDF. Had to rummage through folders like “taxes_2014” and “cat_videos”. Finally found it buried under “misc_crap”. Opened it. Immediately groaned at the cheesy purple background design.
The Unplanned Reality Check
Tried following Week 1 advice literally: “Venus urges financial risks!” Pulled out a dusty piggy bank, marched to convenience store. Bought five scratch cards. Felt stupid scratching them beside beef jerky racks. Won three bucks total.
- Horoscope said: “Unexpected windfalls!”
- Reality: Lost $17 buying expired snacks while waiting in line
Attempting the Vague Relationship Tips
Week 2 claimed: “Mercury opens heart conversations!” Tried initiating “deep talks”. Annoyed my partner asking philosophical crap like “Do stars control our love?” while they assembled Ikea furniture. Got handed Allen wrench instead of cosmic wisdom.
Where Old Memes Meet Career Guidance
Week 3 promised career breakthroughs via: “Saturn’s structural alignment!” Revised my resume using astrology-PDF buzzwords like “Jupiter-driven synergies”. Sent to three job applications. Got instant rejection emails with subject lines screaming “UNSUBSCRIBE”.
Final Verdict & New Habits
Conclusion after eight weeks: That free horoscope? Worth exactly $0.00.
Switched to new system: Flipping a coin gives same accuracy without bad 2010s graphics. Printed all the horoscope pages anyway. Used them as cat litter liner. Proudest moment this month.
