Okay so last Tuesday I was digging through some old blog drafts cause my Dropbox’s almost full, right? Stumbled on this crazy pdf file titled “Virgo Weekly Horoscope 2015 – Your Roadmap to Success!!!” Felt like finding a ten-dollar bill in last winter’s coat pocket. Decided to mess around with it just for kicks – let’s see if astrology from nine years ago could actually help my chaotic 2024 life.
Step 1: Dusting Off Ancient Data
First I gotta actually understand this relic. Printed the whole 60-page monster – my printer wheezed like it was having an asthma attack. Flipped straight to June 2015 cause that’s when my current dumpster-fire project started. The horoscope said:
- “Venus aligns with Jupiter – negotiate salary increases!”
- “Mars in fourth house – avoid household arguments”
- “Mercury retrograde warning – double-check emails”
Laughed so hard I choked on my coffee. My 2015 self was delivering burritos for UberEats while couch-surfing. Salary negotiation? Yeah right.
Step 2: The Bizarre Experiment
Decided to follow it word-for-word for seven days like some cosmic instruction manual:
- Wore “lucky color” mint green (looked like a walking toothpaste)
- Approached my boss demanding a raise “during Jupiter-Venus alignment” (he asked if I’d switched meds)
- Avoided my leaking basement cause “household conflicts” warning (now my cat’s learning to swim)
By day three my assistant started leaving self-help books on my desk with sticky notes saying “Please read ASAP”.
Step 3: Reality Check Hits Hard
The epic failure climaxed when I ignored a client’s urgent email during “mercury retrograde caution week”. Told them “Cosmic forces suggest I reply next Tuesday”. They ditched us for our competitor by Thursday. My accountant called it “the most expensive horoscope consultation in history” when he saw the numbers.
Weird Silver Lining Though?
After trashing the pdf I drunkenly complained about the whole mess on Twitter. Somehow it went viral with 50k retweets. Got three podcast invites and a newsletter sponsor? Guess 2015 Virgo magic works if you use it as comedy material nine years later. Still waiting for that Jupiter-powered raise though.
Final verdict? Only stars guiding my success are the one-star reviews from that pissed-off client. Might frame their angry email beside my “Employee of the Month 2018” certificate for irony.
