So back in 2013 I stumbled on this Virgo love horoscope guide when cleaning my apartment – found it printed on wrinkled paper behind my blender, don’t ask why. Decided to test all the tips ’cause honestly, my love life needed CPR. Here’s how it went down:
Step 1: Took Notes Like a Madwoman
Grabbed my ugliest yellow legal pad and scribbled every suggestion:
- Stop overthinking crushes – yeah right
- Wear green on Thursdays – my closet’s 90% gray
- Organize friend hangouts – more like force people to socialize
Step 2: Became a Green-Wearing Zombie
Bought this puke-green cardigan just for Thursdays. First Thursday wore it grocery shopping – cashier asked if I felt sick. Second Thursday at the library, spilled coffee all over it trying to ‘accidentally’ bump into my book club crush. He handed me napkins then bolted. Score: 0.
Step 3: Hosted the World’s Awkwardest Dinner Party
Invited 8 acquaintances to my tiny apartment ‘to spark connections’. Spent 3 days cleaning then burned the garlic bread. Everyone stood around holding warm drinks ‘cause I forgot chairs. Two people argued about astrology (ironic) and left early. My crush brought his girlfriend. Epic fail.
Step 4: Tried the “Don’t Overanalyze” Voodoo
Texted my coffee shop crush without rewriting it seven times. Just sent “Hey that book looked cool”. He replied “Cool.”. Cool. Spent 3 hours deciding whether ‘Cool’ meant marriage or contempt – completely defeated the point.
The Aftermath
Ended up deleting every dating app out of spite for that horoscope. Two months later? Met my now-husband at a traffic jam when we both cursed at the same pothole. Moral? Horoscopes make great coaster material.
