My Personal Investigation
Okay, so listen up. Ever seen those stupid lists floating around? “Never date a Pisces” or “Avoid Geminis like the plague”? Yeah, total nonsense, right? But one kept popping up: “NEVER Fall In Love with a Virgo.” Like, constantly. Everywhere. Seriously aggressive. Got me curious, y’know? Like, what’s the actual deal? Are they secretly supervillains or something? Figured the only way was to… well… go find one.
Started simple. Just asked around friends, “Hey, know any single Virgos?” Friend of a friend kind of thing. Didn’t want the dating apps, felt too fake. Wanted someone real, grounded. Took a few weeks, but Sarah came up. Smart, librarian vibes, seemed put together. Exactly the kinda “stable” energy people say Virgos have. Perfect test subject, right? Got her number. Texted. She was easy to talk to. Organized our first date – a nice, quiet cafe downtown – like a week ahead. Planned, efficient. Seemed great.
First date? Actually kinda charming. She showed up exactly on time. Spotless outfit. Asked insightful questions. Noticed small stuff about the cafe decor I hadn’t. Conversation flowed easy. We even shared a laugh about her organizing her books by color and height. Quirky, cute. Went well enough that a second date happened. Museum exhibit, her pick. Again, smooth.
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The First Fraying Strings…
- The Feedback Loop: After date two, she texts: “Had a lovely time! Though, small note, your jacket zipper was half down the whole time. Maybe consider a lint roller? 😊” Little odd, but harmless? Laughed it off at first. Then came the next one… “The way you stir your coffee is slightly inefficient.” Honest to god.
- The “Helpful” Overhaul: Went to her place for dinner week three. Her apartment? Spotless. Like, weirdly clean. Everything had a place. She made a decent meal. But afterwards… “Here, I noticed your Instagram stories are chaotic. Let me help you plan themes and optimal posting times for better engagement!” Started critiquing the light quality and filter choices on months old pictures of my dog. For real.
- The Birthday Debacle: My birthday rolled around. She shows up with a gift. Cool! Opened it… a beautifully wrapped planner. And then another gift… a subscription to a life-coaching app she uses. And another… a book titled “Declutter Your Mind: Strategies for the Chronically Scattered.” Gee, thanks? Felt like getting homework. When I later mumbled something about maybe grabbing drinks with my friends later? “Oh, I took the liberty of checking their profiles. John seems unreliable based on his inconsistent posting frequency, and Lisa’s choice of venues appears suboptimal. Perhaps reconsider?” My dude. My friends!
It wasn’t mean, see? That’s the thing. Always framed as “constructive criticism,” “helping you be your best,” “just being honest.” Every tiny perceived flaw, inefficiency, or “mess” – my normal, slightly chaotic, laid-back life – was a problem needing fixing. Her planner “gift” came with color-coded stickers for different life aspects she thought I should “optimize.” Including my sleep schedule.
The Final Straw happened a couple weeks later. We’re chilling. Just watching a dumb movie at mine. My place is… lived in. Not dirty, just maybe shoes kicked off in the hallway, mail on the counter. Normal stuff. She doesn’t say anything during the movie. Later, while leaving? She stops. Looks around. Dead serious. “You know, with just thirty minutes a day tackling a specific zone, and implementing a rigorous to-do list system, this place could be quite functional.” Patted my arm. “I can draft a schedule tomorrow.” That was it. No “nice movie,” no “had fun.” Just… unsolicited home efficiency analysis.
I didn’t even have the energy to argue. Just said “Thanks?” Feeling kinda numb. Texted her the next day – nice as I could be – saying it wasn’t working out. Her response? A bullet-pointed list titled “Reasons this Relationship Likely Ended.” Sections included “Poor Time Management (exhibited by recipient),” “Chronic Spatial Disorganization (recipient’s domicile),” and “Resistance to Optimized Self-Improvement Frameworks (demonstrated by recipient).” She ended it with, “Hope this feedback helps future endeavors! 😊”
Epiphany Achieved
So yeah. “Never Fall In Love with a Virgo”? Maybe it’s a little dramatic. But the seed of truth? Oh man, it’s huge. They don’t mean to smother you. It comes from a place of… genuinely wanting order, for themselves and everyone around them. Including you. It’s baked in. That need to fix, to improve, to tidy every loose emotional end. Constantly. Like living under a microscopic efficiency consultant who loves you. It wears you down fast.
Was Sarah awful? Nah. Just… impossible for someone who likes breathing unfiltered air and occasionally leaving a coffee mug out overnight. The constant, quiet judgment of your existence? Yeah. That advice exists because someone, somewhere, got absolutely steamrolled by helpfulness. Now I get it.
