Okay so last week I was cleaning out my mom’s attic, right? Found this old stack of astrology magazines from like 2014. Figured, hey, I’m a Virgo, November’s coming up eventually – why not actually try out one of these vintage love guides? Total experiment mode. Grabbed the one screaming “Virgo Monthly November 2014 Love Guide (Best Dates Revealed Inside)”.
Step one was simple: Rip out the page. Felt kinda funny, using scissors on this ancient thing. Stuck it right on my fridge door with a rainbow magnet. Every morning grabbing coffee, there it was, staring me down. The main advice? Focus on communication, avoid being critical (ouch, Virgo classic), and obviously, the promised “best dates” for romance: November 5th, 12th, 19th, and 26th. Venus vibes or something, supposedly.
So, November 5th rolls around. Marked it big on my planner. Decided I’d actually try being proactive. Hit up this person I’d been sorta casually chatting with online for weeks about local hiking spots. Suggested coffee instead. Shockingly, they said yes! Felt like the stars were aligning already. Met at this little spot downtown. Kept thinking “be open, don’t nitpick the decor or their slightly odd coffee order.” Conversation was… fine? A bit awkward silences, nothing fiery. Honestly, felt like any other first meet-up. Zero fireworks. Went home thinking, “Okay, maybe just a warm-up act for the real good dates.”
Fast forward to the 12th. Big emphasis on “deep conversations” according to the guide. Had plans to hang out with a longtime friend, kinda blurry lines there sometimes. We grabbed pizza. Tried steering the chat towards meaningful stuff – life goals, fears, the whole deal. Felt super forced. Like, “Hey, pass the pepperoni… so, what’s your biggest regret?” Awkward. They just looked confused and mumbled something about accidentally deleting their phone photos once. Not exactly the profound Venus connection the magazine promised. More like cheesy bread vibes.
The 19th was hyped as the peak romantic date. “Perfect for new beginnings,” it screamed. I was skeptical but committed. Asked out someone new entirely from a pottery class. Fancier dinner place. Put effort in. Nice shirt, even. Conversation flowed better than the 5th, sure. But then… disaster. Midway through my spiel about glazing techniques, I somehow managed to drop my fork right into my water glass. Loud clatter, splash, waiters staring. Their face? Pure secondhand embarrassment. My face? Probably matching the beet salad. Magical moment gone. Finished the date politely, but felt the guide completely jinxed me. Thanks, November 2014.
By the 26th, I was basically doing this out of spite. The guide insisted this date was “ideal for resolving past conflicts” or reigniting spark. Fine. Had dinner with my ex? Not romantic, more like “closure.” We talked, actually had a decent, mature conversation about old stuff. Zero reigniting happened. Just… mutual understanding? And relief it was over. Got home, stared at the crumpled magazine page on my fridge.
- Nov 5th: Okay Coffee (6/10)
- Nov 12th: Deep Talk Fail (3/10)
- Nov 19th: Fork Splash Fiasco (2/10)
- Nov 26th: Ex Closure (Weirdly a 7/10, but not romantic)
Final verdict on the “Virgo Monthly November 2014 Love Guide”? Absolute rubbish. Felt less like cosmic guidance and more like random dates circled with glitter pen. Maybe Venus was out sick that month? Or maybe – just maybe – basing your love life on a decade-old magazine found in a dusty attic is… not the master plan. Took the page down after the 26th. Filed the rest of the magazine under “Failed Experiments.” My face got super hot thinking back on the fork incident. Lesson learned? Real life doesn’t follow a 2014 horoscope’s schedule. Stick to coffee meets without the planetary pressure. Way less fork-dropping that way.
