So there I was last Tuesday morning, thinking about checking my horoscope cause everyone keeps talking about Virgo season. Grabbed my laptop still half-asleep, spilled some coffee on the table trying to plug the charger, typical me. Figured I’d try Cafe Astrology since people mention it often.
The Whole Pointless Clicking Marathon
First thing I did? Typed “free virgo horoscope” in the search bar like some boomer. Big mistake. Page loaded slower than my grandma walking downstairs. Saw this big purple button screaming “FREE DAILY HOROSCOPES HERE” and clicked it like a total sucker. Boom! Pop-up city. Newsletter signup. Advertisement hell. Took me like three tries just to find the actual Virgo bit buried under sparkly graphics. Why’s everything gotta look like a carnival?
Scrolling Through the Word Soup
Finally found the Virgo section. Wall of text hits you right in the face. Someone really got paid by the word here. Talked about Mercury being retrograde (again?), something vague about work stuff being “fluid” and needing “introspection”. Honestly? Felt like generic fortune cookie advice. Few lines stuck though:
- “Avoid impulsive decisions” – laughable cause I bought a $60 mystery box online WHILE reading this
- “Focus on practical routines” – ironic cause my laundry was literally piled up like Everest
- “Communication requires patience” – nearly snapped at my roommate for eating my yogurt two minutes later
The Big Disconnect
Okay, “Expert Advice” part. Felt super preachy. Like: “Oh noble Virgo, harness your analytical powers for meticulous planning!” Bruh. My idea of planning is checking if UberEats has coupons BEFORE ordering. Tried taking this super deep “introspection” advice seriously. Sat quietly for like… two minutes. Got distracted thinking about whether squirrels get sad when their nuts get stolen. Clearly, tapping into my innate Virgo potential failed spectacularly.
What Even Happened Today?
Forget profound cosmic alignment. Here’s what actually went down later that Tuesday:
- Tried organizing my desk cause the horoscope said so. Gave up after moving one stack of papers. Felt exhausting.
- Avoided calling customer service about that mystery box charge like they suggested. Now I’m stuck with it.
- Overthought a text from my sister asking if I was busy. Like, is she mad? Should I call? Analyzed punctuation marks. Horoscope-approved overthinking activated!
So yeah. Did the whole Cafe Astrology ritual. Read the Virgo stuff. Tried some of it. Mostly failed or got annoyed. Still broke, mildly dehydrated, and absolutely mastered overthinking random stuff. Felt less like cosmic guidance and more like reading someone’s very vague diary. Maybe just me?
