Okay so back in 2015, I stumbled on this Virgo love horoscope thing. January rolls around and I’m single, feeling kinda meh about dating, right? Figured, “Why not? Let’s see if this astrology stuff actually works.” So I grabbed my laptop, some cheap notebook from the dollar store, and decided to follow that monthly plan religiously. Like, dead serious about it.
The January Mess-Up
First month says “Focus on self-reflection before diving into romance.” Sounds smart, yeah? But I totally went overboard. Spent like three whole weeks:
- Listing every single past relationship mistake I ever made
- Trying to ‘heal my inner child’ with YouTube meditation videos
- Ignoring every dating app notification that pinged my phone
Result? Zero dates. Felt lonelier than before. My friend Mark literally called me out: “Bro, you’re analyzing your third-grade crush. Just swipe right already!”
February Flop
Horoscope screams “February’s your month! Express yourself boldly!” So I did. Oh boy. Took that advice way too literally:
- Sent this girl Ashley a poem comparing her eyes to… expired yogurt.
- Showed up to a coffee date wearing bright purple pants and a glittery hat.
- Told another date my “deepest secret” about stealing candy in 5th grade.
They all ghosted me. Hard. Ashley texted back: “Wtf is wrong with your tastebuds?” That one stung.
The Mid-Year Disaster Cycle
Summer hits. The July horoscope promised “Passionate connections!” but my reality was:
- Got set up with Karen – she spent 45 mins ranting about her pet iguana’s digestion.
- Met Jake at a concert; he borrowed $20 for beer and vanished.
- Tried “being spontaneous” (August’s advice) by crashing a wedding. Almost got arrested.
My notebook became a diary of despair. Scribbled stuff like “Followed Venus retrograde tip – complimented stranger’s eyebrows. He called security.”
The Final Straw
December’s horoscope said: “Your efforts manifest now! True love awaits!” What actually happened:
- Re-downloaded every dating app. Zero matches.
- Got stood up on my only December date.
- Spilled eggnog on myself at a party while trying to ‘radiate Virgo confidence’.
That night, I threw that notebook straight into my fireplace. Watched that “best year plan” turn to ash in like 30 seconds.
So What Did I Actually Learn?
That whole year proved one thing: life ain’t a horoscope column. Can’t force love with some starry calendar. Wasted months trying to fit romance into boxes like “Venus in retrograde means send awkward texts.” Real connections? They happen messy and random – not because Mercury decided to align.
Now I laugh about 2015. But hey, at least I got one thing right: never again trusting a horoscope with my love life. Microwave dinners and cat videos? Way more reliable. Zero expectations, zero disappointments.
