So my buddy pinged me last night asking if I could whip up something for Virgo’s love horoscope this week. Figured, why not? Grabbed my laptop around 10 PM thinking this would be a quick job.
The Setup Disaster
First thing, I tried pulling up some fancy astrology apps folks recommended. Total garbage. One app demanded my exact birth time – like dude, I just wanna know if my buddy’s crush might text back this week. Another one flashed so many ads my phone turned into a slideshow.
Switched to that giant astrology book Aunt Carol gifted me years ago. Big mistake. Opened it and dust flew everywhere. Page 37 literally crumbled in my hands. Turns out it was written for people who calculate star angles with a slide rule. Closed it. Felt like I just wrestled an ugly giant brick.
Making Sense of the Mess
Okay, fine. Scrolled through three different free horoscope sites instead. Each said something wildly different:
- Site A claimed Venus made Virgos “magnetic seducers” this week.
- Site B warned Mercury Retrograde meant “delete texts immediately.”
- Site C insisted Jupiter demanded “solo healing time, avoid partners.”
My coffee went cold staring at this nonsense. How’s anyone supposed to plan a date with this junk? Got annoyed and slammed my notebook shut. My cat gave me that “you’re dumb” look from the couch.
What I Actually Told My Buddy
Finally called him back and said:
- If they like someone, just say hey this week. Waiting for stars is dumb.
- If someone’s acting weird? Probably Mercury Retrograde – or they’re just busy.
- Astrology’s just cosmic vibes, not a GPS for dating.
The whole thing took three hours. Ended up telling my buddy exactly what I’d tell anyone: Your horoscope for love? It’s whatever you make happen. Stars don’t pay your phone bill or swipe right for you. Went to bed feeling like I’d fought a horoscope-shaped ghost. Still finding glitter from that stupid book everywhere.
