Alright so yesterday my Virgo friend was whining about being broke again. Got me thinking – what if I made one of those viral money horoscope things? You know the clickbaity ones where you plug in your sign and get rich-quick tips? Figured I’d try building one myself just for kicks.
The Shaky Start
First I grabbed my laptop at like 11 PM drinking cold coffee. Opened Chrome and started googling astrology money stuff. Found 5 different sites saying opposite things about Virgos. One page was all “YOU’LL BE A BILLIONAIRE NEXT WEEK” and another said “DON’T EVEN BUY LOTTERY TICKETS”. Total mess. Copied-pasted all the wild predictions into a sticky note.
Then I fired up this free spreadsheet thing online cause I ain’t paying for software. Made these columns:
- Virgo money luck levels (whatever that means)
- Random dates pulled from my butt
- “Expert” tips like “carry citrine crystals” or “avoid financial decisions on Thursdays”
The Dumb Algorithm Part
Here comes the funny bit. Wanted to make it “interactive” so people could enter their birth date. Wrote some janky code that basically does this:
- If birth month = September? Show “MEGA RICH!!!” prediction
- Any other month? “MAYBE GET A SIDE JOB”
Spilled coffee trying to debug why it kept showing “MEGA RICH!!!” to everybody. Turns off I used = instead of == like a clown. Took like an hour fixing that mess.
Polishing This Fake Gem
Threw on glittery GIFs I stole from some astrology meme page. Added a fake countdown timer that says “YOUR FINANCIAL READING EXPIRES IN 08:15!” even though it never actually expires. Found a stock photo of some dude swimming in gold coins – boom, header image done.
Pressed publish feeling like a tech genius. Immediately texted my Virgo friend the link going “HEY CHECK THIS TOTALLY REAL HOROSCOPE”. She responded in 2 minutes flat: “OMG IT SAYS MY LUCKY DAY IS PAYDAY FRIDAY HOW’D THEY KNOW???”. Nearly choked laughing.
The big reveal? Made absolutely $0 off it. Nobody clicked the ads. My Virgo pal still broke. But watching people take it seriously? Priceless. Would I do it again? Probably – it’s easier than actual investing.
