Okay so back in January 2014, I was bored one Saturday morning flipping through stuff online. Saw this Virgo love horoscope article from some astrology site. Normally I’d scroll past but that month I was feeling kinda stuck with my dating life, you know? Thought maybe the stars had some clues.
First thing I did was copy-paste the whole monthly prediction into a Google Doc. Couldn’t remember all that cosmic advice in my head. The main points were like:
- Mercury retrograde messing with communication – told me to double-check texts before sending
- Some Jupiter thing saying it was a good time to meet people at bookstores or libraries
- Venus position warning about being too picky with partners
Armed with this wisdom, I made actual rules for myself that month. Every time I went on a dating app, I’d read the horoscope first like some cheatsheet. Swiped right on two guys who seemed “imperfect” but interesting – one was a messy artist type who’d never date material normally. Texted my best friend “you free Fri?” instead of my usual last-minute “wanna hang now?” texts when lonely.
The weirdest part was taking the location advice seriously. Spent three Friday nights straight just camped at Barnes & Noble coffee shop with a giant “POETS OF THE ROMANTIC ERA” book acting all approachable. Felt ridiculous but hey, horoscope said so. Did chat with one grad student who recognized the book – turned out he was married though.
By end of month? Let’s just say cosmic guidance wasn’t my magic solution. That artist guy ghosted after two dates. Accidentally sent “Your place or mine?” to my mom instead of a date because I “forgot to double-check” during Mercury retrograde. Still cringing about that. The whole bookstore thing just cost me $60 in overpriced lattes.
Looking back now? Funny how I treated astrology like IKEA instructions for love. Life doesn’t work with assembly diagrams. My big takeaway: next time I’m lonely I’ll skip the horoscope and just call actual friends. The stars might be pretty, but they’re terrible wingmen.
