Alright so last night I dug up this old Weekly Horoscope for Virgos from 2017 – thought hey why not try following it step by step this week? See if the stars actually had any clue. Grabbed my laptop, found the article online, and printed the damn thing out. Figured paper’s better for scribbling notes.
The Money Stuff First
Printed pages still warm, I scanned the money section. Said something like “Venus aligns, expect unexpected cash flow”. Pfft. Okay then. Tuesday morning rolled around – checked my bank account like a hawk. Nothing. Zilch. Lunchtime? Still nada. By Wednesday afternoon I’m refreshing the banking app every five minutes like an idiot. My coworker Mike finally cracked, asked if I was expecting a ransom drop. Finally Thursday – got a $12 rebate coupon email from some online purchase two months ago. “Unexpected cash flow” my ass. Treated myself to a sad gas station coffee.
Then Career Advice Hits
Career part screamed in big bold letters: “Perfect time to assert dominance in meetings!” Felt bold Friday morning. Boss droned on about Q3 projections. Saw my moment, cleared my throat loud, leaned in… and immediately choked on my own spit. Coughing fit for a solid minute while Brenda patted my back. Dominance asserted? More like humiliation confirmed. Pro tip: Skip coffee before power moves.
The Love Forecast Drama
Saved love for last. Promised “romantic tension with an Aquarius could ignite”. Right. Scoped out Aquarians I knew. Dave in Accounting? Nah, dude smells like boiled cabbage. Sarah from Marketing? She’s cool but strictly Snapchat-buddy vibes. Decided to hit up that taco spot Wednesday – maybe destiny sat at the salsa bar. Ended up wedged between a screaming toddler and a guy vigorously licking queso off his forearm. Zero Aquarians. Zero sparks. Went home, ordered greasy takeout, watched cat videos. Romance achieved.
So yeah. Followed the whole weekly plan religiously. Set expectations? Check. Waited for cosmic signs? Check. Documented the spectacular lack of fireworks? Double check. Verdict? Astrology’s kinda like that one relative who gives lottery tickets for Christmas. Fun idea, zero actual payout. Just another week being a Virgo – organized, hopeful, perpetually mildly disappointed. Might stick to checking weather apps. At least they predict rain accurately sometimes.
