Woke up thinking ‘heck yeah let’s boost that Virgo money luck’ after seeing some clickbaity article promising five fast ways. Grabbed my notebook, cold brew coffee, and this cheap-ass IKEA pen that keeps skipping. Ready to test-drive those methods like a damn guinea pig.
Method 1: Chant Lucky Numbers Out Loud
Said screw it, walked to my crappy local coffee shop, full Karen-mode ordered “ONE large latte! Make it EXTRA lucky with THREE sugars!” Barista just stared dead-eyed like I’d asked for unicorn piss. Flailed my arms whispering “eight! sixteen! thirty-three!” near the tip jar. Spilled half the coffee down my shirt. Left a five dollar tip instead of my usual buck. Zero magic money appeared.
Method 2: Rearrange Wallet Feng Shui
Dumped my nasty-ass wallet on the kitchen table. Old receipts, gum wrappers, that condom from 2018. Followed the article: moved a wrinkly dollar bill behind my library card (supposed to “activate abundance flow” or whatever). Later bought gas – card got declined. Had to dig quarters from the car seat cushions. Feng shui my ass.
Method 3: Wear ‘Prosperity Colors’
Threw on this ugly mustard-yellow sweater grandma knitted me. Article insisted gold/yellow = Virgo cash magnet. Looked like a moldy cheese wedge. DoorDash guy actually laughed delivering my burrito. Checked my stocks after lunch – portfolio dipped lower than my motivation. Took the sweater off and lit a scented candle to kill the thrift store smell.
Method 4: Send ‘Wealth Energy’ Texts
Texted three friends: “SENDING U BIG MONEY VIBES!!!! 💰✨” Auto-correct changed “vibes” to “vines” so it read “MONEY VINES.” Mike replied “You drunk again?” Sarah sent back a confused eggplant emoji. Dave didn’t respond. Next hour, got a parking ticket. Wealth energy my left buttcheek.
Method 5: Meditate on Abundance
Sat cross-legged on my stained rug trying to imagine dollar bills raining down. Brain kept going: rent due Thursday… car making that weird noise again… why does Netflix keep raising prices… Suddenly my neighbor started power-washing his deck. Full zen annihilation. Lasted maybe 90 seconds before giving up and eating cold pizza.
End Result?
Zilch. Nada. Goose egg. Didn’t find cash on the street. No surprise checks in the mail. That scratch-off I bought? Won two bucks and lost the ticket somewhere. Only “big win” was my cat puking outside the litter box instead of on my work shoes. Small blessings, I guess. Virgo luck feels like trying to start a campfire with wet matches.
Still broke. Still skeptical. That “fast ways to win big” crap’s about as real as my motivation to fold laundry. But hey – at least this experiment makes good blog content. Free if you ignore the cost of therapy.
